Thursday, November 19, 2009

Best Separation Ever!!

DIVORCE AGREEMENT

THIS IS SO INCREDIBLY WELL PUT AND I CAN HARDLY BELIEVE IT'S BY A YOUNG PERSON! WHATEVER HE RUNS FOR, I'LL VOTE FOR HIM.

OUTSTANDING!

Dear American liberals, leftists, social progressives, socialists, Marxists and Obama supporters, et al:

We have stuck together since the late 1950's, but the whole of this latest election process has made me realize that I want a divorce. I know we tolerated each other for many years for the sake of future generations, but sadly, this relationship has run its course. Our two ideological sides of America cannot and will not ever agree on what is right so let's just end it on friendly terms. We can smile and chalk it up to irreconcilable differences and go our own way.

Here is a model separation agreement:

Our two groups can equitably divide up this country by landmass each taking a portion. That will be the difficult part, but I am sure our two sides can come to a friendly agreement. After that, it should be relatively easy! Our respective representatives can effortlessly divide other assets since both sides have such distinct and disparate tastes.

We don't like re-distributive taxes so you can keep them. You are welcome to the liberal judges and the ACLU. Since you hate guns and war, we'll take our firearms, the cops, the NRA and the military. You can keep Oprah, Michael Moore, and Rosie O'Donnell. (You are, however, responsible for finding a bio-diesel vehicle big enough to move all three of them).

We'll keep the capitalism, greedy corporations, pharmaceutical companies, Wal-Mart, and Wall Street. You can have your beloved homeboys, hippies and illegal aliens. We'll keep the hot Alaskan hockey moms, greedy CEO's and rednecks. We'll keep the Bibles and give you NBC and Hollywood .

You can make nice with Iran and Palestine and we'll retain the right to invade and hammer places that threaten us. You can have the peaceniks and war protesters.
When our allies or our way of life are under assault, we'll help provide them security.

We'll keep our Judeo-Christian values. You are welcome to Islam, Scientology, Humanism, and Shirley McClain. You can also have the U.N., but we will no longer be paying the bill.

We'll keep the SUV's, pickup trucks, and oversized luxury cars. You can take every Volkswagen you can find.

We'll keep The Battle Hymn of the Republic and the National Anthem. I'm sure you'll be happy to substitute Imagine, I'd Like to Teach the World to Sing, Kum Ba Ya or We Are the World.

We'll practice trickle down economics and you can give trickle up poverty your best shot. Since it often so offends you, we'll keep our history, our name and our flag.

Would you agree to this? If so, please pass it along to other like minded liberal and conservative patriots and if you do not agree, just hit delete. In the spirit of friendly parting, I'll bet you which one of us will need whose help in 15 years.


Sincerely,

John J. Wall
Law Student and an American

P.S. Also, please take Barbara Streisand & Jane Fonda with you.

I THINK I GET IT ?

OK. I THINK I GET IT
Let me see if I understand all this....
IF YOU CROSS THE NORTH KOREAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU GET 12 YEARS HARD LABOR.

IF YOU CROSS THE IRANIAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU ARE DETAINED INDEFINITELY.

IF YOU CROSS THE AFGHAN BORDER, YOU GET SHOT.

IF YOU CROSS THE TURKEY BORDER ILLEGALLY, YOU SPEND THE REST OF YOUR LIFE IN PRISON!

BUT, IF YOU CROSS THE U.S. BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU GET:
A DRIVERS LICENSE
A SOCIAL SECURITY CARD
WELFARE
FOOD STAMPS
AND, FREE HEALTH CARE?

Oh well sure. That makes perfect sense.


HERE LIES JIMMY


HERE LIES JIMMY FUSSELL,

A MAN WHO ONCE BELIEVED IN MUSCLE.

HE DECIDED NOT TO TRAIN,

INSTEAD… TO EXERCISE HIS BRAIN.

THEREIN HE FOUND TROUBLE,

THE NUMBER OF DEMOCRATS WERE DOUBLE

THIS CAUSED HIM TO TAKE A STAND,

WHERE UPON HE DID RAISE HIS HAND.

THIS FOR ALL THE WORLD TO SEE,

IS HIS DEPARTING MESSAGE TO THEE.

Sunday, November 15, 2009

News Flash : Lady Hoopster Dominates - Uncivil Takes One for The Team

This lady whooped my old Uncivil a$$

My fellow bloggers. I must admit defeat twice and then some!!!!!!
My local blog buddy Miss Piggy ( 5'8", 140 pounds, 47 years young) has kicked Uncivil's (5'8", 225 pounds 52 years old ) ass all over the Wrightsville Beach basketball court and then some.
She wanted this on video, and the winner was to cut and edit and post on their blog but luckily for me that didn't come to pass.

So me, being the good sport that I am have humbly come before you to tell of the massacre.
We decided to play our games to eleven points by one point scoring. I must say she brought her own ball. I don't even own one???? Don't worry it's on my "exercise equipment to buy" list!

First game she dominates me eleven points to.............are you ready..........are you sure.....well then..............I did manage to score one point in that game!!!!! Ha......you thought I got skunked didn't you???
Hell, half way through.....no make that 1/4 way through the game .........I thought I was gonna have a coronary?
She was lookin' at me funny and says "are you gonna make it?....you're not gonna have a heart attack on me are you?"
So, I made it through that game with only my dignity damaged and no massive coronary or anything.
I go for the time out between games while she continues to ply her trade at the net. I'm layin' on the park bench wonderin' if I'll recover for the second game? Certainly I'll recover? Covered in sweat, breathing trying to get back to normal, right knee cap reminding me of an old karate injury, and my dignity begging me to get back out there!

OK Miss Piggy.....I'm ready for round two.........I did manage to score 5 points this time around, and then she wants to play again???? WTF????? She just kicked my old ass twice??? Somehow the best two out of three is already blown to hell??? Besides.....I don't I don't want to press the coronary issue at this time.

So we decide to play HORSE. Dammit.......yes I was a HO and a HOR and then some, and she was still just Miss Piggy???? Got my ass kicked in about three of those games.

So, as Arnold the Terminator once said......"I'll be back". I'm sure we'll have a rematch and I don't know how long I can keep the video camera out of it??????? Pray for me!!!!

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Craigslist personals WTF????

Sometimes ya just gotta surf Craigslist for the fun of it. Yeah, we got us a local boy here lookin' for a woman and I decided he needed to go international with his ad!
Come on gals. Help my little buddy Jimmy Ray find that special lady!LOL!

Titled: Take a ride... In my truck! - 27 (Wilmington)

I don't know what else to do. My girlfriend done run off and left me for my neighbor. She even took the kids, but I ain't complainin' about that. But the family reunion ain't for another couple 'a months and I sure could use a woman's comp'ny right now.
I'm 'a lookin' for a good lookin' gal that can stand by her man and not leave him for his handsome daddy. Or his best friend. Or his next door neighbor. Or the guy who works at the Bojangles in Monkey Junction. I ain't havin' it.

I like: NASCAR, anything Earnhardt, Copenhagen, Milwaukee's Beast, four wheelin', drinkin', shootin', 103.7 the Bone, my dogs Rufus and Boceefus, and my truck. And big boobs, too.
I don't like: hippies, Toyota, leaving tips, going to work sober, and bathing.

If you're a blond haired, blue eyed sweet Southern gal, go ahead and email me back. I only like 'em when they're dressed out at no more 'n 130 pounds or so. I ain't all into this "more to love" business. Don't even bother. That is, unless you can cook. Then I might could work you in sometime durin' the week.
If you chew tobacco, then we might have something in common. If I like you enough, we could even share the same spit bottle.
Oh, and don't message me if you're into all these "progressive" ideas. I think all a man needs besides booze and women is his rifle, a 3 month supply of food, a dog, a truck and a NASCAR calendar from 1998. Oh, and some white lightenin'. I think y'all should know that I consider myself ready for the upcoming 2012 Apocalypse.

A bouncer in Jacksonville hit me in the jaw with a crescent wrench 5 times. My ex wife's boyfriend broke my jaw with a fencepost. So if you don't email me, it won't hurt my feelings.
Oh, and my name is Jimmy Ray. But my friends call me Horn Dog on account of how many kids I got.
Also, don't respond to my ad again, Mom.




Thursday, November 05, 2009

Gubmint

Gubmint and How Gubmint Works

Once upon a time the government had a vast scrap yard in the middle
of a desert. Congress said, "Someone may steal from it at night." So
they created a night watchman position and hired a person for the
job.

Then Congress said, "How does the watchman do his job without
instruction?" So they created a planning department and hired two
people, one person to write the instructions, and one person to do
time studies.

Then Congress said, "How will we know the night watchman is doing the
tasks correctly?" So they created a Quality Control department and
hired two people. One to do the studies and one to write the reports.

Then Congress said, "How are these people going to get paid?" So They
created the following positions, a time keeper, and a payroll
officer.
Then hired two people.

Then Congress said, "Who will be accountable for all of these
people?"
So they created an administrative section and hired three people, an
Administrative Officer, Assistant Administrative Officer, and a Legal
Secretary.

Then Congress said, "We have had this command in operation for one
Year and we are $18,000 over budget, we must cutback overall cost."

So they laid off the night watchman.

NOW slowly, let it sink in.

Quietly, we go like sheep to slaughter.

Does anybody remember the reason given for the establishment of
the DEPARTMENT OF ENERGY.... during the Carter Administration?

Anybody?

Anything?

No?

Didn't think so!

Bottom line. We've spent several hundred billion dollars in support
of
an agency...the reason for which not one person who reads this can
remember!

Ready??

It was very simple...and at the time, everybody thought it very
appropriate.

The Department of Energy was instituted on 8-04-1977.
TO LESSEN OUR DEPENDENCE ON FOREIGN OIL.

Hey, pretty efficient, huh???

AND NOW IT'S 2009 -- 32 YEARS LATER -- AND THE BUDGET FOR THIS
"NECESSARY" DEPARTMENT IS AT $24.2 BILLION A YEAR. THEY HAVE 16,000
FEDERAL EMPLOYEES AND APPROXIMATELY 100,000 CONTRACT EMPLOYEES; AND
LOOK AT THE JOB THEY HAVE DONE! THIS IS WHERE YOU SLAP YOUR FOREHEAD
AND SAY, "WHAT WAS I THINKING?"

Ah, yes -- good ole bureaucracy.

AND, NOW, WE ARE GOING TO TURN THE BANKING SYSTEM, HEALTH CARE, AND
THE AUTO INDUSTRY OVER TO THE SAME GOVERNMENT?
HELLOOO! Anybody Home?

Wednesday, November 04, 2009

HREMFIC

H.R.E.M.F.I.C.

REMF

....................................................................................

Can't

Understand

Normal

Thinking?


Sunday, November 01, 2009

Junk Yard Dog

Abigail has a new gig
video