Wednesday, October 31, 2007

Wild Hogs , My Halloween Treat to the readers.
This story is a little long, but the allegory of the pigs has a serious moral lesson.

Wild Hogs

(The Wild and Free Pigs of the Okefenokee Swamp)

Some years ago, about 1900, an old trapper from North Dakota hitched up some horses to his Studebaker wagon, packed a few possessions -- especially his traps -- and drove south. Several weeks later he stopped in a small town just north of the Okefenokee Swamp in Georgia. It was a Saturday morning -- a lazy day -- when he walked into the general store. Sitting around the pot-bellied stove were seven or eight of the town's local citizens.
The traveler spoke. "Gentlemen, could you direct me to the Okefenokee Swamp?" Some of the oldtimers looked at him like he was crazy. "You must be a stranger in these parts," they said. "I am. I'm from North Dakota," said the stranger. "In the Okefenokee Swamp are thousands of wild hogs." one old man explained. "A man who goes into the swamp by himself asks to die!" He lifted up his leg. "I lost half my leg here, to the pigs of the swamp." Another old fellow said, "Look at the cuts on me; look at my arm bit off! Those pigs have been free since the Revolution, eating snakes and rooting out roots and fending for themselves for over a hundred years. They're wild and they're dangerous. You can't trap them. No man dare go into the swamp by himself." Every man nodded his head in agreement.
The old trapper said, "Thank you so much for the warning. Now could you direct me to the swamp?" They said, "Well, yeah, it's due south -- straight down the road." But they begged the stranger not to go, because they knew he'd meet a terrible fate. He said, "Sell me ten sacks of corn, and help me load it in the wagon." And they did. Then the old trapper bid them farewell and drove on down the road. The townsfolk thought they'd never see him again. Two weeks later the man came back. He pulled up to the general store, got down off the wagon, walked in and bought ten more sacks of corn. After loading it up he went back down the road toward the swamp.
Two weeks later he returned and again bought ten sacks of corn. This went on for a month. And then two months, and three. Every week or two the old trapper would come into town on a Saturday morning, load up ten sacks of corn, and drive off south into the swamp. The stranger soon became a legend in the little village and the subject of much speculation. People wondered what kind of devil had possessed this man, that he could go into the Okefenokee by himself and not be consumed by the wild and free hogs.
One morning the man came into town as usual. Everyone thought he wanted more corn. He got off the wagon and went into the store where the usual group of men were gathered around the stove. He took off his gloves. "Gentlemen," he said, "I need to hire about ten or fifteen wagons. I need twenty or thirty men. I have six thousand hogs out in the swamp, penned up, and they're all hungry. I've got to get them to market right away." "You've WHAT in the swamp?" asked the storekeeper, incredulously. "I have six thousand hogs penned up. They haven't eaten for two or three days, and they'll starve if I don't get back there to feed and take care of them.
" One of the oldtimers said, "You mean you've captured the wild hogs of the Okefenokee?" "That's right." "How did you do that? What did you do?" the men urged, breathlessly. One of them exclaimed, "But I lost my arm!" "I lost my brother!" cried another. "I lost my leg to those wild boars!" chimed a third. The trapper said, "Well, the first week I went in there they were wild all right. They hid in the undergrowth and wouldn't come out. I dared not get off the wagon. So I spread corn along behind the wagon. Every day I'd spread a sack of corn. The old pigs would have nothing to do with it."
"But the younger pigs decided that it was easier to eat free corn than it was to root out roots and catch snakes. So the very young began to eat the corn first. I did this every day. Pretty soon, even the old pigs decided that it was easier to eat free corn. After all, they were all free; they were not penned up. They could run off in any direction they wanted at any time."
"The next thing was to get them used to eating in the same place all the time. So I selected a clearing, and I started putting the corn in the clearing. At first they wouldn't come to the clearing. It was too far. It was too open. It was a nuisance to them." "But the very young decided that it was easier to take the corn in the clearing than it was to root out roots and catch their own snakes. And not long thereafter, the older pigs also decided that it was easier to come to the clearing every day."
"And so the pigs learned to come to the clearing every day to get their free corn. They could still subsidize their diet with roots and snakes and whatever else they wanted. After all, they were all free. They could run in any direction at any time. There were no bounds upon them." "The next step was to get them used to fence posts. So I put fence posts all the way around the clearing. I put them in the underbrush so that they wouldn't get suspicious or upset. After all, they were just sticks sticking up out of the ground, like the trees and the brush. The corn was there every day. It was easy to walk in between the posts, get the corn, and walk back out."
"This went on for a week or two. Shortly they became very used to walking into the clearing, getting the free corn, and walking back out through the fence posts." "The next step was to put one rail down at the bottom. I also left a few openings, so that the older, fatter pigs could walk through the openings and the younger pigs could easily jump over just one rail. After all, it was no real threat to their freedom or independence. They could always jump over the rail and flee in any direction at any time."
"Now I decided that I wouldn't feed them every day. I began to feed them every other day. On the days I didn't feed them the pigs still gathered in the clearing. They squealed, and they grunted, and they begged and pleaded with me to feed them. But I only fed them every other day. And I put a second rail around the posts." "Now the pigs became more and more desperate for food. Because now they were no longer used to going out and digging their own roots and finding their own food. They now needed me. They needed my corn every other day. So I trained them that I would feed them every day if they came in through a gate. And I put up a third rail around the fence. But it was still no great threat to their freedom, because there were several gates and they could run in and out at will."
"Finally I put up the fourth rail. Then I closed all the gates but one, and I fed them very, very well. Yesterday I closed the last gate. And today I need you to help me take these pigs to market." -- end of story --
The price of free corn
The allegory of the pigs has a serious moral lesson. This story is about federal money being used to bait, trap and enslave a once free and independent people. Federal welfare, in its myriad forms, has reduced not only individuals to a state of dependency. State and local governments are also on the fast track to elimination, due to their functions being subverted by the command and control structures of federal "revenue sharing" programs.
Please copy this flyer and send it to all your state and local elected leaders and other concerned citizens. Tell them: "Just say NO to federal corn." The bacon you save may be your own.

Sunday, October 28, 2007

Keep them doggies Strollin'

Keep movin', movin', movin'
Though they're disapprovin'
Keep them doggies movin'

Don't try to understand 'em
Just rope, throw, and brand 'em
Soon we'll be living high and wide.
My hearts calculatin'
My true love will be waitin',
Be waitin' at the end of my ride.

Uncivil Googling

General: "What happened to Operator 13?"
Curly: "He swam across the river and died of Potomac poisoning."

Uncivil Warriors

Friday, October 26, 2007

Remember The Alamo

On that fateful day, March 6, 1836, Davy Crockett woke up and walked from his bunk on the floor of the Alamo up to the observation post on the west wall. William B. Travis and Jim Bowie were already there.

The three gazed at the hordes of Mexicans moving steadily towards them.

Davy turned to Bowie with a puzzled look on his face and said,

"Jim, are we having some landscaping done today?"

Thursday, October 25, 2007

Happy Halloween

A bald man with a wooden leg gets invited to a Halloween party.
He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg so he writes to a costume company to explain his problem.

A few days later he received a parcel with the following note:

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief
will cover your bald head and, with your wooden leg, you will be just right as a pirate.

Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.

The man thinks this is terrible because they have emphasized his wooden leg and so he writes a letter of complaint. A week goes by and he receives another parcel and a note, which says:

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a monk's costume. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and, with your bald head, you will really look the part.
Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.

Now the man is really upset since they have gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head so again he writes the company another nasty letter of complaint. The next day he gets a small parcel and a note, which reads:

Dear Sir,

We have TRIED our very BEST .
Please find enclosed a bottle of molasses and a bag of crushed
nuts. Pour the molasses over your bald head, pat on crushed nuts, stick your wooden leg up your ass and go as a caramel apple.

Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.

Sunday, October 21, 2007

The 'Everyone's Weird' meme.

C tagged me.

1.What kind of SOAP is in your bathtub right now? Milk & Honey Liquid soap

2. Do you have any watermelon in your refrigerator? It's out of season.

3. What would you change about your living room? Everything, I wish I could afford to build a new house. I want ceramic tile everywhere!

4. Are the dishes in your dishwasher clean or dirty? I am the dishwasher, and I’m a little dirty at times

5. What is in your fridge? You’re kidding? MillerLite,Capatin Morgan Private Stock, Gatorade,bottled water,milk,eggs,ham,cheese,mayo,mustard,pickles,Lean Cuisine Glazed Chicken,Lean Cuisine Lasagna, and several frozen packages of cooked chicken for the dogs.

6. White or wheat bread? White

7. What is on top of your refrigerator? Honey Nut Cheerios, and two water filters so I’ll remember to change the filters.

8. What color or design is on your shower curtain? Nunya……It’s a glass door.

9. How many plants are in your home? Nunya…..Do fake ones count? A few here and there.

10. Is your bed made right now? No, I have the doggies this week, and there is no use since they will trash it anyway.

11. Comet or Soft Scrub? Doesn’t matter to me. I have trouble with rust. I use “Whink” rust stain remover more than anything.

12. Is your closet organized? Yes and no. Everything above ground is basically organized and I throw my dirty clothes on the floor in the walk in.

13. Can you describe your flashlight? Damn!…….which one? I only have half a dozen. My favorite two would be my blue Maglite 4 D Cell with my initials etched on it (gift from my boss), and my little black SureFire 6P.

14. Do you drink out of glass or plastic most of the time at home? Plastic, but I like to eat off of glass.

15. Do you have iced tea made in a pitcher right now? Nope. Cause I’ll drink it all! I only buy it when I eat out, and I love it southern sweet.

16. If you have a garage, is it cluttered? I’d give my left nut to have a garage again, or even a car port! I kept my ex’s garage pretty spiffy when we were together.

17. Curtains or blinds? Blinds.

18. How many pillows do you sleep with? 2 pillows and two dogs

19. Do you sleep with any lights on at night? I can see the bathroom light. What? You don’t get up in the middle of the night to pee?

20. How often do you vacuum? As needed. Once or twice a week.

21. Standard toothbrush or electric? Totally old school--standard.

22. What color is your toothbrush? Blue & White.

23. Do you have a welcome mat on your front porch? Yes, and it say’s “Wipe Your Paws”

24. What is in your oven right now? Nada.

25. Is there anything under your bed? Nope. My bed is on the floor.It’s easier for the dogs to get up and down that way.

26. Chore you hate doing the most? Dusting, and cleaning up dog hair!

27. What retro items are in your home? Shit!…..My whole friggin home is retro! I live in a 1980 model Mascot Mobile home, and the interior looks like something out of the 70’s

28. Do you have a separate room that you use as an office? Nada……do I seem like the office type?

29. How many mirrors are in your home? Too damn many. The previous owner was a glass installer with a mirror fetish.

30. Do you have any hidden emergency money around your home? Nope! I try to keep a zero balance on the charge card. I use it for an emergency.

31. What color are your walls? Duh? Some kind of off white with tan vertical stripes. It’s cheap ass trailer paneling, and I don’t paint!

32. Do you keep any kind of protection weapons in your home? Yes. Since Abigail & Emily would only lick an intruder to death, I have a Glock 23 to get up close and personal with.

33. What does your home smell like right now? Emily just farted, so use your imagination.

34. Favorite candle scent? I’m scared of candles!

35. What kind of pickles (if any) are in your refrigerator right now? Mt. Olive sweet cubes for making tuna salad.

36. What color is your favorite Bible? I left the bibles with the ex!

37. Ever been on your roof? Yes! Easier to clean the gutters that way. Yeah, I have gutters on my trailer! You got a problem with that?

38. Do you own a stereo? Nope, my computer is kick ass enough for that.

39. How many TVs do you have? One, 1989 model 20 inch Mitzibichi. It lasted longer than my marriage!

40. How many house phones? None. Hell, I can’t even keep up with one damn cell phone!

41. Do you have a housekeeper? Uhhh...I think that would be me. I do have a young lady that I can call on when I get real lazy!

42. What style do you decorate in? I don’t friggin decorate?

43. Do you like solid colors in furniture or prints? I don’t really give a shit! Which one is the cheapest? It’s gonna be covered in dog hair anyway.

44. Is there a smoke detector in your home? Two of em.

45. In case of fire, what are the items in your house which you’d grab if you only could make one quick trip? I would make sure Abigail and Emily were out before anything else.

I haven’t been blogging much, but I saw where C tagged me and felt a compelsion! Ain’t a gonna tag anyone!

Wednesday, October 03, 2007

Nobody Beats Our Service or Our Meat?

So, I call the store!

Butcher shop employee: " Country Butcher Shop, How may I help you?"

Uncivil in my best grown up voice: "Yes, I'm calling about your ad in the local paper. At the bottom of the ad it says nobody beats your service, or your meat?"

Butcher shop employee answers hesitantly, and confused: "Yes Sir?"

Uncivil: "Exactly how you beat your meat?"

Butcher shop employee bursts out laughing, but quickly replies: " As long as it takes Sir, as long as it takes!"

Uncivil has lost all composure now and burst out laughing himself : "Great answer man, thanks for being such a good sport, have a good day!" click